Why am I getting yelled at for telling my mother how I feel about my graduation weekend? I honestly have a lot built up inside me, like my thoughts about my graduation weekend, and Mike, and my future and how I am a fucking loser for just moving back to Naples to live with my parents with no job. People all say that honesty is the best policy and that if you have a concern that is stressing you out then you should talk to that person about it because it will make you feel better. That is a load of crap. I thought talking to my mom about my graduation would make me feel better, but no, now I feel like I have hurt my mom.This sucks.

I have figured it out. Why I have been feeling so…for a lack of better words…down-in-the-dumps, the past couple days.

I feel disconnected. I realized yesterday when I felt so nostalgic for the days when I lived to hear the new FOB record. It isn’t just because I miss a band. It isn’t because I miss Tennessee. It isn’t because I miss my youth. I have realized that even though I believe I am happy now, thanks to Mike, I do not feel connected to the things that used to make ME happy.

Music…the mountains…weekends with my friends.

I love my boyfriend, he makes me so happy, and without him I know I wouldn’t be who I am. But I do miss the joy I found in small things.

I have transformed into someone different. Someone who a part of me likes. A girl who is graduating college. A girl who has a boyfriend who she loves. A girl who is giving up her dream to experience love, even though her head is screaming at her not to. I don’t think I will regret that decision.

Maybe that’s it? Maybe I am realizing that I am a girl who I said I would never be. A girl who is giving up what she wants to be with her boyfriend. I am not going to change my mind, I am O.K. with it right now. I just hope I don’t grow to resent last summer when I kept putting off taking the GMAT. I told everyone, and even convinced myself that it was because I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to UT anymore, maybe take a year off? I have to let this out. Even if it is to you (even though “you” is probably no one) I GAVE UP THE CHANCE FOR TENNESSEE BECAUSE OF FEAR AND IMMATURITY. Fear of not being accepted which would lead to heartbreak, disappointment, and embarrassment. Immaturity in the form of young love. I wanted a relationship so bad that I have let my dream go. I let it pass. I know I will now never be happy with either decision. Pursue my dream and lose my boyfriend, or keep my boyfriend and lose my dream.

I am so thankful that God has allowed Mike and myself to come together, it allowed me to finally feel the warmth of love. But the timing has kept me from making myself happy.

I am a girl who found joy in seeing a band live. Getting a new record of one of my favorite bands and getting lost in the music. Going to Tennessee and basking in the Tennessee air. Enjoying the weekends with my parents, lazy Sundays. Having crazy and random nights with my friends.

I am now a girl who has forgotten about her love for music. Who hasn’t been to Tennessee in years. Who has lost touch with her dad. Who resents staying home because it is keeping me away from Mike. Who has sacrificed ALL of my friendships because all I want to do is spend time with Mike. I obsess over making him happy, making our relationship perfect, and building a life together. All I fantasize about anymore is “keeping up with the Crowes” and hurrying to settle down. I love that I love. But I have realized that I have sacrificed A LOT to be in the relationship I am. I start to type a “great” relationship, but I can’t. I love what I have with Mike, but I am not sure he knows what I have given up, what I do to make us us, or what he has. He doesn’t even know the deep side of me. He doesn’t know the side of me who loves to sit in her room with candles lit, listen to “sleep station” on Pandora. I am one who loves to sit and think. But since I have been with him I don’t do that anymore…because he doesn’t like to do that. I do what he likes to do. I don’t get to do what I used to love. I miss me. I miss who I was. I think I am still me, but I feel like I have lost touch to some of things that I used to love about myself. I want Mike to want to make me feel special, make me feel loved, make me feel like I am one in a trillion. He makes me feel loved…sometimes. I love him, I do anything to make him happy, but I feel like he has it made. I feel like I have sacrificed so many things, so much of what used to make me happy, and he hasn’t given anything. Hell, I even let me do things with his friends that only a single guy should do. I let it go because I want him to be happy with me. But that’s the thing, he doesn’t have to FIGHT for me. He doesn’t have to DO anything special to keep me. I am not saying I want to be taken on trips, or given diamonds, or be surprised everyday. I just want some effort. I want him to show me that he wants me. I want him to want to make me feel special. I WANT HIM TO TRY. I do believe he loves me, but I feel like he doesn’t have to do anything to keep me. Like I will always be around and I’m not anything special anymore. I guess what I am trying to say is that it has almost been 11 months now, and I have lost things that used to make me happy, because Mike made me happier than ever. But now he makes me feel like I am just a girl that he is with, and not special, and that is causing the happiness I once felt to wear off a little.

I feel depressed. I feel lost. I feel disconnected. I feel embarrassed to admit that I have turned to another naive girl, who has given up everything to be with her boyfriend. I am scared. I am afraid that this will only get worse. I pray that I am wrong. I hope I am just in a rut. I hope this will all fade away and I will find my happiness again. Hopefully, sooner than later.

-This post could very much ruin my relationship. I have not spoken not one of these thoughts to a soul…probably because I know the consequences. Probably because I am embarrassed to admit all of this. I pray this never surfaces.

…until next time…

Have you ever lived your life, feeling good, then one day take a step back from the craziness that drives us through the hours of the days and onto months and realize that you aren’t sure how you got there? Whether your life is dreadful, so-so, or astounding, you aren’t sure how to feel about it since the time (you believe) has developed the ability to fly by so quick you didn’t even realize where you were going, who you were meeting, what you have seen, or what you have experienced? It is hard realizing time machines don’t exist, that you aren’t Marty McFly, you don’t have “Doc” helping you to manipulate the clock. Not because you want to change something, not to change one single experience, but just to relieve simple moments. To breathe in a great day, soak in the feeling of summer, or take advantage of gorgeous weather, great music on the radio and just you in the car on a long drive. Roll down the windows, bask in the sun, enjoy a calm night, love the nights you have to yourself, cherish the nights you are blessed with to spend with the person you love, or laugh a little harder with the family who love you. 3 weeks from yesterday I am graduating, I could not be more excited and more terrified, because for once in my life, the next 3 years are not planned out for me. What am I doing after graduation? I am not 100% sure where I will go, what I will do, who I will meet, or if it will hurt me. But, I’ll tell you one thing, I’m sure as hell going to try and enjoy it!